On a Mission to Change
by TheOtherGuyHulk
Summary: The battle was won, the wounds have healed but the scars remain. Tony had to leave, he had to get out he was breaking down and nobody could see the facade fall. He's come to grips with life as he knew it and was ready to change but only if they found him first. Life moves on and you can only live by moving foward. Roadblocks can always be pushed aside.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer I own no part of the marvel universe although I have wished for it. Thank you for reading, reviewing (fingers crossed) and enjoying. This is my first fan-fiction so criticism is welcomed just not too harsh.**

_People leave all the time it's to be expected; good things only last for as long as it takes to see the cracks in the frame that outlines life._

Days melting and ticking into harsh weeks and then morphing into cruelmonths; half ofthattime he couldn't remember who he was_. _Thatmade things peaceful for at least a little while. But whenthose nights came, when he could remember his past or at the very least the pain_, _the agony and suffering of heartbreak…hecouldn't help himself, but unwillinglysummon another bottle even though he knew happiness wouldn't be found at the bottom_._ What it could provide was the numbness he needed just make it through the couple hours of consciousness, The release from what people called 'life' and 'love.' This was no way to live**, **he was merely surviving and he knew it_. H_e couldn't face the past, the screams of his failure, the hurt and betrayal etched in the faces of all he knew no he couldn't face that.Or the eyes, when he dared to dream of a happier time, he spotted their gasping mouths and reaching arms, sightless gaze asking only '_**why?'**_

In the day, the world kept spinning around, moving on **so **he couldn't even have the courage to face the past without having a bottle at his side. The years went so slow even if he didn't know the date anymore; no he didn't know anything about the world around him. He shut himself in small corner in the out-skirts of a town that didn't matter where he resided in a small home**,** that he knew, no one from the past could find them**, **find him, even though they probably wouldn't everlook for him anyway; he hurt them so much already why bother pouring salt in the scarcely healedwounds. To have nothing was better to have something that could be hurt.

Stumbling to his feet to get to the bathroom his eyes had to adjust to the bright light, his head began reeling from last night's drink. He looked in the mirror that was partly shattered from the first time he tried to quit being so angry with himself for letting it get this bad and partly from the withdrawal. He wasn't angry enough to stop**, **to give up with everything,with what he'd done.Upon looking at his appearance he had to take in how haggard and aged he looked like time was moving at a rapid pace unable to slow down but only to him, time stood still for no one. **'**Where had the years gone**?'** His mind whispered over the thick haze**.** Maybe it was so hard to answer due to arc reactor glowing and his eyes having difficulty concentrating. If he couldn't will himself to stop looking at the past there was no need to see the future. His hair had grown longer and more unruly than usual but that's what comes with an unkempt appearance. A five o'clock shadow was going strong**, **giving him a slightly snarled look. He turned on thenearby sink faucet, splashing some cold water on his face to keep himself awake. These were the few hours he felt some sort of will to do something. Venturing to the most unused part of the house, the kitchen to see if there was anything to eat; nothing looked safe in the fridge the bread was covered with a mold that scientists could experiment on.

Perhaps he should go out for bit to grab a bite eat, the weight he had from being fit had diminished giving him a small frame. Fresh air should make him feel better; the town he lived in was one of the smallest in Morocco, a place where everybody knew each other but with none of the familiarity of home. There was a small Pastry Shoppe on the main avenue that would fill the growinghunger. Some of the looks regarding his appearance made him regret even setting foot out of the door; he was just a shell of his former self. Quickly he bought a coffee and bun which would give him enough to survive on, knowing that he'd need to go the grocers soon. He didn't want to go straight home he instead took the long way and strolled along the side walk and ate what he bought. He guessed it was the weekend due to the amount of people about, but seeing these people reminded him of what he lost the friends, the house, and ability to be happy; he couldn't stay out there long it hurt too much. He was thankful that this town wasn't very technologically advanced even though his emaciated physique could cause some confusion, the glowing blue arc reactor would identify him almost immediately.

He remembered the first time he found out about the Avengers and although he'd hate to admit it, it filled the void left after the parties died and the drinks ran flat. When he was kidnapped he realized all that he didn't have and the Avengers ripped opened the wounds with swift brutality. Looking back on it the torture he received was a blessing in disguise it changed him it made him be a better man if only for a brief amount of time. The more he thought about it the more he realized that he was just a pawn to be played, the sacrificial lamb that although had skill had no provided to be useful if only in one way.

**Do let ****me know if a continuation is in order although I have a good ending the first two chapters are just to introduce you into Tony's frame of mind; it will not be sad for the whole story it will get better and if you want him to be paired with someone who is non-cannon (like Bruce, Steve, Natasha, or Clint) just let me know and I can work them in if not it will be with Pepper. It will never become very sexually graphic. **

**Ciao, **

**Chloe**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer I own no part of the marvel universe although I have wished for it. Thank you for reading, reviewing (fingers crossed) and enjoying. This is my first fan-fiction so criticism is welcomed just not too harsh. I know it is quite late, ****my humblest apologies are offered.**

**Prologue Part Two**

_Change is inevitable just like ti__me and the weather; you have to go forward; move on and let go. Plan for the future but don't forget an umbrella. _

He made a vow not use technology again unless he could do some good with it, there would be no more blood on his hands. He learned at a young age to never take anything for granted but still the promised life marred his judgment. The innocence of childhood fed him the sweets of what every child wished his or her life. Growing up was challenging, living was harder. Acceptance was never easy but it was scarcely gained he father made sure that message had fully sunken in.

He reached his house about a quarter to three; even though he had only awoken a few hours ago he was exhausted. For a moment there was a spark of hope that gave him the idea to not use his night-time aide to get him to settle into a blissful darkness. Optimistic, he got into his pajamas not even caring that they were overdue for a cleansing, and jumped into his bed. It was about half past two when the exhaustion wore off and the sleep lightened enough to give way to the lurking nightmares. He could hear the screams of his friends, of the innocent trapped and injured. He could hear the shells of the falling bullets the sobbing that followed; and he couldn't help them no matter how fast he ran or how quickly his suit worked. It was like he was being restrained he couldn't move, all he could do was watch his world come crumbling down around him. He could see the eyes, the arms reaching out once more, the pleading for it to end; oh how badly he wished he could stop it.

Waking up abruptly with a small jerk he rubbed his eyes and kept telling himself that this was just a dream, but these dreams never felt more real. That didn't stop the tremors though, they continued with a gradual stronger shake causing the designs of his clothing to be unrecognizable between the shakes. He reached over to his night stand and as luck would have it his alleviator was there welcoming his throat with an open cap. He drank until the bottle was drunk, placing it down he could see the blackness enveloping his vision. His last thought was one of hoping that he had really done it this time that maybe just maybe this pain would cease. Perhaps…fate had finally given him his reward. Was this what he received for his life an empty bottle to soothe an empty heart? If this was it he could finally feel the emotion he had long since forgotten, happiness. He didn't know then that changes were being made while he drifted off into the darkness, fate is often a fickle friend.

Seven years ago he could wake up and feel a spark of happiness from Pepper, from Bruce but when he thought about it grief hit him like a tsunami wave bringing an aftershock of guilt about what he did. Was it worth it? Nothing had meaning not; it was a chore just to get out of bed and have any will to do anything, Opening his eyes to a bleared view he tried to shake the hangover out that was intent on staying. "So it didn't kill me," saying this to himself chuckling softly. That's what you get for being the man who just can't die, not by torture, poisoning or by lack of oxygen. That was to be expected he guessed after drinking for so long he must have had a strong tolerance for the amber liquid. They never said he would be gratified after helping with the mission, S.H.I. . didn't give him a choice in the matter. It was easy enough when there was a plan he was already immune to death it was just a casualty in the end. No, they didn't tell you that after it was all over, after the battle was won there'd be gaping hole that could be filled; money didn't matter in the end like it had before when there was no one who could be willing to stay around longer to help you recover. What was the point of returning and seeing the ones you called friends, they would have already moved on by now grown older had families? There wasn't one when he wouldn't even be welcome even if he had stayed, his self-destructive tendencies were hard to withstand. It was coming he felt it, he was losing all control now, it happened sometimes when a bad night didn't end the way he wanted. The curse of regret never left him he just wished Obadiah got his way and was never found.

When he was younger his mind couldn't fully comprehend the feeling of abandonment he just dove into his work in an attempt to please his father if only one time. He was always a burden to ever person he met. He remembered it clearly that day seven years ago when his life met its fateful inertia. Making a decision to come back to the land of the living was one the mistakes he regrets the most to this day. Why couldn't he have said no, quite a simple word that could have brought him the opportunity of a permanent blackout? Thinking it over, which could have only taken a second could have made him happy again to at least know how that could've felt once more. Sure it wasn't a foreign feeling, just a hallow memory one all the whiskey in the world couldn't fill. Some days he needed to feel alive but he couldn't harness and of the will that he once had. Even a man of iron could melt under pressure.

_He was the sacrificial lamb he wasn't the scientist with an alter ego, a spy capable of torture, a man who could revive America's spirits, an archer more loyal than any man, or a god. He was just man who thrived on being sarcastic, egotistical and bitter._

**Co****ming Soon: A flashback of the day Tony left and why with more Bruce. Sorry if this was depressing I can assure that it does get happier it but it can't move forward without knowing the past.**

**I will be getting a beta, I have had an offer but I didn't want to keep you waiting any longer. Also do let me know of any ideas or if anyone would like for this to stop.**

**THANK YOU FOR THE REVIEWS, ALERTS AND FAVORITES **

Once again there is still room for more votes as to who Tony will be paired with as of now Bruce is in the lead. It will never be sexually graphic but there could be mild swearing nothing like "Bleep are you kidding me Bleepity bleep bleep."

Ciao,

Chloe

p.s. my m key does not work I literary copy and paste it every time I need an m so if one is missing I apologize.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer I own no part of the marvel universe although I have wished for it. Thank you for reading, reviewing (fingers crossed) and enjoying. This is my first fan-fiction so criticism is welcomed just not too harsh.**

**Thank you for the alerts and reviews. It means the world to me.**

_Chapter Three: Letters Left Unread_

_The glass house can shatter into millions of pieces and no matter how many people put it back together pieces will always remain missing. The mind is a terrible thing to shatter._

It hadn't been the same since Tony had disappeared, that's what we called we couldn't fathom that he would really leave. Words were exchanged but they were pushed off easily enough that they weren't thought about again. Tony had always been one who those people who was confident cool and collective but knew how to push other people's buttons, so no one knew that some words could pierce his bulletproof skin. There had been hope that he would return one day out of the blue bursting in through the front door with food and some story that he simply couldn't take the line and went to the actual country for it. It has been seven year since he left saying the hope had become a small spark they knew he wasn't coming back no matter how much they wished.

Everyone stayed within Stark Tower with a fool's hope that he would come back to them, come back home. It had become a sullen place in some ways the name Tony was never uttered even the occasional mistake brought a chill into the room coupled with a deafening silence.

_**Flashback**_

**September 2012**

"_Have you ever considered that other people have feelings too Tony, it's not always going to be about you." Questioned Steve_

"_I've considered that but realized that life wouldn't be as much fun if it wasn't about me all the time wouldn't you agree?" Tony said an underlying smirk in his tone._

"_You'll never be half of the man your father was." Steve said and then stormed out; if he would have stayed for a mere five seconds longer he would have seen the look in Tony's eyes. It would have only taken a second to realize that it was a front, a shell to hide his emotions since he thought they were for the weak. _

**November 2012**

It was a late night and he had over stepped the boundaries while intoxicated that left unfavorable results. He of course didn't mean it but how would they know that, he made enough snide comments to make them mad. The line was crossed and he didn't know how to fix it or if he ran out of chances. He said ghastly words that left a bitter taste in his mouth.

**January 2013**

It had seemed like things had finally settled down around Stark Tower. Sure there was a bit of tension but when strangers move in with each other, it wasn't guaranteed that they would all get along, but recently it looked like maybe just maybe they would become like a family. As a group they would all have breakfast and dinner together but during lunch they were often too busy to come together. Pepper kept the house in order along with JARVIS. Clint and Natasha often sparred together and went on missions when duty called. Steve was almost up to date on the world today although some verbiage left him confused. Bruce helped Tony with experiments but mostly kept to himself for the most part, the company is what Tony loved the most. There were little things all around them that although weren't significant showed changes in the personality of Tony. He was often intoxicated during the early hours of the day, but the group was familiar enough with the behavior that the increase didn't seem peculiar. Coupled with that there was a lack of sleep he seemed to always be in the lab working on some new gadget. The little things like these would have clearly been obvious if someone cared to look at him. Tony hid his depression well though a smile always found a way onto his face but never reaching his eyes. He could be laughing and joking in one minute then his face would turn to stone suddenly. He would become unreachable while never leaving room. The others saw it clearly as it was displayed before their eyes but they never acknowledged it, they ignored it. It was crumbling the façade slowly he was desperately clinging to false outlook that he had portrayed for so long was unexpectedly a struggle to uphold.

**January 2016**

It had been years since Tony had left and it hadn't been the same. Unexpectedly while the group decided to do a spring cleaning that they stumbled upon letters in Tony's untouched lab.

_I'm Sorry._

_Goodbye,_

_-Tony_

There was one for each of them all bundled together with that note. The group gathered in the kitchen and Bruce handed everyone their letter and decided on opening it all at the same time.

_Dear Bruce,_

_Now I know you will never understand why I left but know that I had to go. I was dying there. I was suffocating. I can't stay in one place for too long. I'm a hazard to people and especially those I care about. Memories that I've tried to suppress were engulfing me, I couldn't tell if it was a nightmare or reality. Things were becoming too good to be true and I know it wouldn't last. Before things turned sour I needed to leave. You'll hate me for this but I cannot let others see me as weak. This is a battle I simply cannot win. Please forgive me._

_Sorry,_

_Tony_

P.S. Don't forget to let the other guy out some time.

_Dear Pepper,_

_ I've always known you were too good for me to begin with and it's true I'd be lost without you but it's time for me to take a detour in my journey and for you to find someone who deserves you. I love you Pepper never forget that. I know you wanted to settle down and you know that I've never been the type to. There's going to be a mess after I leave but you've run this company behind the scenes for years now and you're the only one I can trust with it and I think I've had it long enough that I can let go. I wish I could have done this in person but you know me I've never been good with emotions and seeing you upset would have made me stay; I just can't anymore._

_Forever and Always,_

_Tony_

_Dear Clint and Natasha,_

_ We've never seen eye to eye although I wish we could have. You both are the best spies in the world but I urge you not to look for me it's for the best trust me. Things were getting between us even with snide remarks here and there. I needed to leave without me things will be better I promise. I think both of you as assassins would understand the un-washable blood that haunts every waking moment to remind you what you did. Memories that I thought had been forgotten resurfaced and made me realize that I'm a liability. Too many have been hurt I can't let anybody else die._

_It Was Nice Knowing You,_

_Tony_

_Dear Steve,_

_ You were everything my father told me about and more. As much as I'd hate to admit it you were a great captain of our super-secret boy band. You were right though without the suit I am nothing. I've figured out all the answers to the equation and there's no answer where I come out a hero, I'm too selfish for my own good. You know more than anyone out there that I do not belong with this team. I've over stayed my welcome even though technically it is my house. It's time for me to grow up and do what's best I can't rely on others forever. I only request that you make sure they stay together no matter what happens I know you can do that, don't let me down._

_So Long,_

_Tony_

_Dear Thor,_

_ You pack a mean punch point break. I thank you for coming to the rescue and to aide us with dealing with your brother. Come down often to check on them once and a while when you're not in Asgard or with Jane. _

_Sincerely,_

_Tony_

There was an audible gasp as each of them finished the letter. It cemented the fact that he was gone and wasn't going to come back. The letters had the effect he had hoped for; it brought the Avengers closer together. They didn't fully comprehend why he had gone but were willing to respect his wishes.

Little did they know he was coming back to the group sooner they would have thought.

Next Time:

_It was never said to be an easy journey to go home but that home is where the heart is. _

Or

_Sleep is normal function you go to bed and wait for the darkness to envelop you with familiarity. With sleep come dreams bringing pleasant images of what the heart desires. Nightmares are lurking, waiting for the opportune moment to strike. _

**It's not my best but I just wanted to cover where the others are so when Tony does come back you can understand where the others are. If you want more about them just review it and I'll add it in. I know it took a long time but the internet has been working very oddly and I had two versions of this chapter. Thank you for reading, I greatly appreciate it. If you have any suggestions do let me know in the review box. I'm open for anything. I promise that it will get happier I have a semi-ending that's been floating around or an extremely heart tugging happy one. Who do you want him to bump into first? Nobody will fondue yet. Also more updates on the rest of the m I might fix this later.**

**Ciao,**

**Chloe**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer I own no part of the marvel universe although I have wished for it. Thank you for reading, reviewing (fingers crossed) and enjoying. This is my first fan-fiction so criticism is welcomed just not too harsh. I know it is quite late, ****my humblest apologies are offered. I do hope this chapter beco****mes one of great fancy to you.**

_Chapter Four_

_The past never ceases to exist. True to its word it can disappear and be forgotten but it never truly leaves you. It can haunt you till the past starts becoming the past present and future and slowly sneakily it becomes all that you are. It's then and only then that you realize the past has to be accepted to move on with your life otherwise you will be consumed and who you were will become who you are._

Memories 

_The water was cold but he couldn't feel it any_more after the fifteenth time being drowned it sort of makes _everything fuzzy. He was roughly dragged out but a fir_m _grip on his hair. They asked hi_m if he was ready to work to work now _he knew that if there was any chance of survival he had to agree, but even then the percent of escaping was low. That didn't stop the __punish__ments though on occasion to affirm that they were in charge. It was standard punishment for prisoners in a foreign country. They beat him up but only to the point where all of his body was bruised and battered with the exception of his head and hands do that he could work normally albeit slower. He thankfully couldn't remember much of what happened during the friendly sessions due to him slipping in and out of consciousness. Eventually they stopped after the first month as not much work was getting done at the speed they wanted._

_After each session and after they had ended he worked tirelessly with the co_m_panionship of Yinsen who had the steady hands he needed. The car battery was going to fail soon without a replace_ment_ he wouldn't survive for _much longer_. It was in that _m_o_m_ent of despair that a brilliant idea struck hi_m_. The arc reactor was a failed for show experi_ment_ that was never finished. It would work as a suitable replace_m_ent for a heart _ma_gnet. __It could power his heart for fifteen lifeti__mes or fifteen minutes it was a risk that had to be taken._

_He had to figure out to get Yinsen and himself out of there he needed to change the damaged parts of his life. The cave was dimly lit from the soft glow of the low wattage bulbs in the corners of the room. He needed a way to be invincible and the only material he thought could be capable of that within his grasp would be metal. He and Yinsen came up with drawings and how to formulate the pieces for the suit. They worked tirelessly on it but also had done parts of the Jericho bomb to avoid suspicion from their captors. _

_It had been almost a month or what feels like a month that they've been building the suit but Tony can sense the captors to be getting suspicious. The suit it's not ready but there's no time. Yinsen bars the door with explosives while I get in the suit. It's not loading quickly enough. Yinsen makes the decision to go out and face them only armed with a standard grade gun that will hardly be enough to help him. When Tony gets out in the suit he finds Yinsen on the floor bleeding out due to the bullet wounds and in that moment he tells him he's going to his family. It struck him far deeper than he ever thought a sentiment like that would have if you would have if you asked him what he cared about the most he would have said without a second thought it was himself but now he seemed to care about others which was foreign to him since he gave up on others, a valuable lesson from his father. _

_The dream switched as it always did but to one of his childhood. He was seven and his elementary school had bring your parent to school day. As soon as he found out he rushed home and asked his father to go and was promptly rejected for a reason his young mind couldn't understand. He knew his father was busy with his company but he questioned why he never could be busy with him. _

_The room around him changed to a horrible glimpse of his past. It was the day before his father died. A summer holiday was coming up and his mother begged him to come home. He told her that he was busy with his work and couldn't make it. The truth was that he didn't want to go and fake a smile in the presence of his father and friends. He couldn't stand it anymore they hadn't spoken beyond usual pleasantries or when there was an interview and they were placed together and had to. He didn't want to go and to get off the phone he just told his mother that he had to go because he was on the verge of an experiment and hung up the phone without a goodbye. It was the last time they would speak the following day his parents were involved in a car accident and died on impact. That event created the Tony Stark that was genius billionaire playboy philanthropist; he dove into his work into weapons into partying. He became careless he no longer needed to attempt to please his father anymore and he had enough money spare it on various cars, parties and women. He hated when flashbacks of this life came to the forefront of his mind it made him feel weak it proved Captain America's statement that he was nothing and cared about only himself._

He lost himself along the way and as he desperately clung to the hope that his life had meaning but the rope was slippery and his hands couldn't hold a firm grasp. Being needed would end this internal struggle quicker he thought it was going to slowly die away since he was part of the avengers and they were bound to need him at one point or another even if it was just as another man on the field. He clearly remembered that day it all changed seven years ago when his life met its fateful inertial. Making the decision to come back to the land of the living was one of the mistakes he regrets the most to this day. When he took the nuke up he didn't expect to return and to be quite frank he had hoped the light at the end of the tunnel would have lasted. He should have put in more of an effort if anything he should have worked hard for once to be gone. To disappear and leave this cruel world a better place, a place without him. Why couldn't he had given up it and said no to coming back it could have given him a chance to make things right. The team would've been fine if not better without him he couldn't contribute anything that didn't benefit him in the long run. Where he was now was the next best thing isolation was for him misery loves company. Banner had a point eventually being alone grew on a person, there was no dependence to do anything anymore he just did what he needed to survive even though he tried not to. The Tony Stark that was publicized and known to be notorious for having everything in excess and being swarmed by people would have been horrified at the state of his future self. His life was in shambles and if it would have ended when it should have back in Afghanistan or while falling he could have been happy again to at least know what that could have felt like. Sure he knew what it felt like years ago and had little recollection now but it was a hallow memory. One that whiskey couldn't fill. Some days he needed to feel alive but he couldn't harness up any of the will or thirst for life he once had.

**Co****ming Up:**

"**Agents I know it's been a while but there seems so be a problem arising in Egypt and I'd like it gone."**

**Something wicked this way comes.**

Also there will be a surprise next chapter as things unfold with this new super villain well he's not new but he's evil ehehehehehe.

**THANK YOU FOR THE REVIEWS, ALERTS AND FAVORITES **

**If you have any suggestions do let me know in the review box. I'm open for anything. I promise that it will get happier I have a semi-ending that's been floating around or an extremely heart tugging happy one. Who do you want him to bump into first? Nobody will fondue yet. Also more updates on the rest of them I might fix this later.**

**Afghanistan on that part I didn't want to get to graphic and violent. **

**It will never be sexually graphic but there could be mild swearing nothing like "Bleep are you kidding me Bleepity bleep bleep." **

**Ciao,**

**Chloe**

**p.s. my m key does not work I literary copy and paste it every time I need an m so if one is missing I apologize.**

**Sorry about the last update it went oddly when I wanted to fix a part.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer I own no part of the marvel universe although I have wished for it. Thank you for reading, reviewing (fingers crossed) and enjoying. This is my first fan-fiction so criticism is welcomed just not too harsh. I know it is quite late, ****my humblest apologies are offered. I do hope this chapter beco****mes one of great fancy to you. This chapter isn't full of action like I had hoped the action scene was too big and the idea I got for this one was also big so it didn't flow nicely, but action will come in the next chapter a lot of it like all the super hero movies in one well not that much but enough now I'm rambling sorry. Happy Fourth of July hope it's great. **

**p.s. this is mostly a flash back. **

_Chapter Five: _

_Guilt is an unnatural force, it has no hands, no body that can take hold of you and drag you away. It's invisible only existing in your mind where it lurks to grab hold of a good memory where it can twist it and warp it into something that changes you until you can look into a mirror and not recognize the face staring back at you. You become a stranger and being alone is the only comfort. _

Worthless that's what he has always been he in all of his years has been. He's come to that realization he's never amounted to anything in regards to caring about anyone but himself. Being by himself has shed some light on that and to be honest he hadn't realized his life had gotten that bad he always tried to hide everything he feeling as a front so he would never have to face the reaction it was much simpler. To ignore this disappointment in his father's eyes to ignore the looks of annoyance given by those close to him he can't even now stand being alive but he couldn't die. Suicide it would be an easy way it doesn't work for him though he death shouldn't be easy it should be painful to amount to the pain he caused. It was a losing battle every time progress would be made it would be pushed back a tenfold. He wished to go back to make amends some days but he would get discouraged and go into an alcohol induced stupor.

There's no number count on the attempts he made to end his life. He tried to jump out of the window of the seventy third floors he stood there for countless hours just watching the world move on under him. He almost summed up the courage to do it he really did but unfortunately he heard the clicking of high heels around the corner and he couldn't face the reaction if Pepper saw him on the ledge, so he quickly stepped back inside and closed the window. When Pepper asked what was wrong he simply shrugged and said it was a beautiful day. She never questioned the sentiment as he had a smile plastered on his face and the usual drink in hand. 'Maybe next time' he muttered quietly to himself so she wouldn't hear him. He played out scenarios of what would happen if died as he stood out on the ledge. Would anyone show up at his funeral? Would it even be worth having? If he died by his own hand he would do it where he wouldn't be found. He thought about things not going right and being brought back to life and then being constantly monitored. They would walk on egg shells around him not knowing if saying something wrong would trigger him end his life again. It would be no way to live he would have to disappear.

The next time he tried was when he was alone in his lab; the glass on his reactor needed to be replaced with a new stronger material that if he ever got caught without his suit he would still be protected. He replaced the material by taking out the reactor but then when it was fixed he didn't put it back right away. He just stared at it almost as if he looked at it long enough it would disappear. Bruce interrupted a short time later the shrapnel at the time was beginning to sting in his chest. Bruce gave him a curious look as he put the reactor back in. Tony dismissed the question easily enough with the explanation about the glass and replacing it. Bruce bought it but there was a look in his eyes that told him that he didn't believe it totally. He thought Bruce out of all of them would understand that sometimes life wasn't worth living anymore.

He needed to hide it better before the others would look at him like any second he would die. He asked Jarvis for suitable alternatives in a desperate hast to hold up the façade longer. JARVIS was hesitant for an AI to release information and strongly advised for him to seek help by telling the others. He decided to go with an easier less confrontational way out by opting for medication that he had from previous life threatening ordeal. At first it resulted in an almost immediate change it was easier for him to face the others and he could be in their presence for longer than normal greetings. He never got another look from Bruce about what happened with the reactor. Little by little the does increased and soon he ran out luckily being Tony Stark entitled him to more options when it came to pills. His doctor believed that his arc reactor was hurting and he needed to subdue the pain until he could find a solution, this bought him a couple months. He couldn't go back to the doctor of course but fame gives privileges when it comes to that need. He got it in a steady influx he had what he needed and the self-prescribed dosage increased to four pills twice a die a lethal dose to anyone who just had a slight pain but he wasn't one to be weak and years of alcohol abuse lead him to be able to handle it. There was one time when he had to do a press conference in Malibu and left his bottle in his bed side drawer in Stark Tower; he barely made it out of the interview. His usual calm cool and collective matter when it came to them was incredibly weak. The lights pounded on his skin beads of sweat formed around his face. He stumbled and choked on his words his knees became weak and held onto the podium for dear life. He clung to his façade but it was fading too quickly for him to grab it back and resume control of the press conference. The eyes staring with their expectant looks he knew they weren't his father or the avengers but he couldn't help but picture their heads on their bodies. They were taunting him making him relive all the horrible moments in his life the guilt hit him like a tsunami that had very frequent aftershocks. He gave the interviewer a small fib on how he had gotten sick and said they would have to resume this at another time while running off stage. He called the car for him to be picked up quickly to make his way back to the private jet. The others followed him in separate cars while discussing what just happened. He was thankful that the jet had a bedroom built in so he could lock it and hide from the others. They berated his door and could hear them discussing reasons to why he was acting the way he was. Fed up he came out of the room and spun a tale of a new element testing its productivity as part of the arc reactor and that it was clearly forming a mutiny against his body. With the majority not being in the technology field and not knowing anything medical believed his tall tale. Bruce on the other hand began to bombard him with questions all about it but since it was a fib said he really wasn't up to explaining it while being weak and excused himself to his room to avoid questioning. Once they got back to the tower he sped off to get the pills but went to the lab to play it casual. He swallowed them quickly before anyone could catch him before he locked the door. If JARVIS had a face it would be a one of certain disapproval but as a robot he could only respond to the commands he's given. At first they left him alone since he was known for not playing well with others but got antsy and waited at the door for it to open since they couldn't override JARVIS with any codes. They eventually left knowing he wouldn't come out anytime soon. The next day he played it off cool the next day that everything was A-Okay.

There was another close far too close for comfort. It was one weekend when Fury called a meeting to check up on everyone and made sure they were getting along. Being there always stressed him out no matter the situation; in order to cope with this meeting he took his usual pills that kept him in check. The meeting took place and was going without a hitch but it was taking a longer amount than usual making him have to leave for the bathroom to reload. That day he decided that it was getting to be too much as the team was getting suspicious so he chose that day to reduce his dependency by going with a less potent similar pill. On his way back he felt woozy but ignored played it off as not having time for breakfast. He sat back down in his chair and put his head down since nothing interesting was going on in meeting for the super-secret boy band just for a moment.

"Mr. Stark if you are going to sleep through the whole meeting just go now."

"Mr. Stark." He could hear them talking but he couldn't muster the energy to lift up his head. Darkness enclosed around him and he heard no more. The frantic screams were muted as the world faded away. He woke up to the sounds of the machines beeping around him and the murmuring of voices around him. He slowly opened his eyes to get accustomed to the bright light of the white room.

"Good to see you back in the land of the living Mr. Stark that was a close one. You seem to have suffered and overdose on over the counter pain relieving medicine. Any answer to why?"

"I tested out some new add-ons to my suit and it didn't go the way it was supposed to." His voice was hoarse from not being used for God knows how long. The doctor nodded and said he would be free to go as soon as this evening. Then the Avengers came rushing in as he knew they would to avoid them he closed his eyes to give the impression of sleeping. They weren't fooled but accepted that he didn't want to talk about. He left shortly after his room was vacated to avoid a car ride home with them. He could have been a spy with the swiftness he had while leaving. He made it to the empty tower without seeing anyone and made his way to his private area where no one could find him even with Jarvis' help. He locked himself in and found all of the home videos when he was younger and went through them desperately trying to find one good memory from his childhood but it was fruitless. He stayed there all night nursing a bottle of scotch staring at a screen hoping for a way to be happy. It was that night he decided to leave.

If he would have seen them and truly looked into their eyes he would see the concern and care that was evident. The group wandered where he was and asked JARVIS getting the response of in an undisclosed room location. They thanked him and went to look for him but came to a locked door. There was sound being muffled through the door. They could hear what he was listening to, they heard Howard always push him aside and told him he was a burden; but they couldn't help him at all. That evening they decided to talk to him about it soon but he never showed viable signs of being depressed that they couldn't pounce on him. Everything bad happened to him was explained and believable if they went after him he would shrink away and get short tempered he didn't like to be cornered.

Sometimes it was easier to hide it all, to pretend nothing was wrong. It wasn't easy to hide all the time but it was easier to skip the pitied looks received and the people trying to help miserably. He was an adult he should be stronger than this if anything he could do that right. But sometimes the mask you wear becomes transparent.

**Coming Soon:**

**He was going for a drink… but then the fire nation attacked.**

**The Avengers are coming to Egypt to defeat the bad guys but something happens something really scary something that was supposed to be in this chapter but was too long to fit here something that your parents warned you about when you were little. **

**Distance is hard deal with. You put space between yourself and people to think or to slowly leave them behind. Going on vacation is easy but staying away is harder. To make things right you need time alone to think but sometimes things don't get better with time they might even get worse and distance is the only way to make things better. He tried to go back but he couldn't it was for the best he didn't belong and in the long run being there would only be a catalyst for evil. **

**THANK YOU FOR THE REVIEWS, ALERTS AND FAVORITES **

**If you have any suggestions do let me know in the review box. I'm open for anything. I promise that it will get happier I have a semi-ending that's been floating around or an extremely heart tugging happy one. **_**Who do you want him to bump into first**_**? Nobody will fondue yet. Also more updates on the rest of them I might fix this later.**

**In the chapter with the letters he thought the others never knew anything so it see****med like they couldn't exactly help him he was oblivious since he could only focus on the negative aspects of life. They thought he was getting better and the tales he told were true so they let him be for a while and when they went to help him he left unexpectedly while going for a normal everyday thing so they never got the chance and hadn't assumed he wouldn't come back. **

**Afghanistan on that part I didn't want to get to graphic and violent. **

**It will never be sexually graphic but there could be mild swearing nothing like "Bleep are you kidding me Bleepity bleep bleep." **

**Ciao,**

**Chloe**

**p.s. my m key does not work I literary copy and paste it every time I need an m so if one is missing I apologize.**

**Sorry about the lack of action it will co****me I promise I will start writing it soon I just have to work on my other story's update. I hope you liked it. **


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer I own no part of the Marvel universe although I have wished for it. Thank you for reading, reviewing (fingers crossed) and enjoying. This is my first fan-fiction so criticism is welcomed just not too harsh. I know it is quite late, ****my humblest apologies are offered. I hope you like this chapter. Thank you to those who continue to read this story. I apologize for the last chapter as it was not a hit I just felt to include I can always get rid of it later. Please enjoy.**

_**Chapter Six:**_

_Everyone loves a super hero; it's one of the pure hopes in the world it makes people stand up to their aggressors for one moment longer so they can believe they helped make this world a better place. There's a hero in all of us whether it hides or fades away but it never truly leaves us. It keeps us honest, gives us strength and finally allows us to die with pride; even though sometimes we have to be steady, and give up the thing we want the most. Even our dreams, but that is what makes us who we are without it regret would drown us all._

For the first time apart from his dreams he heard the screams of the innocent and the gunfire raining down on them. He didn't know what to do he wanted to desperately go out and help them but something stopped him. He had no armor to protect him his suit was most likely worse for wear as he couldn't bear to look at but used it to leave the tower all those years ago. He was doubting he still had any strength in him the booze and solitude filled life wrecked his body and mind, but he had to give it a shot he had to help people he vowed nobody else would die if he could help it. He put on the suit and immediately felt its weight on his shoulders. He was glad JARVIS no longer responded to the suit so he could never relay information of his whereabouts to the Avengers.

He made his way outside the total power of his suit was a quarter of the amount he could go to he wasn't interested in fighting but rescuing. There was smoke from the weapons everywhere since he suit wasn't gleaming in his red and gold standards he was not an easy target to spot. He found a family screaming for help with no way to turn to escape, he beamed what energy he could at group that was attacking them. The enemies seemed to be organized but were fighting sporadically killing for the fun of it. He got the family to safety and went back to see if he could stop the attackers. He didn't need JARVIS to tell him that the suit wouldn't last long but he missed the British accented AI helping him. He ducked behind a building and shot at the convoy. He couldn't hold the blast for more than two minutes. The group didn't back down and began firing at him all they could what he doesn't notice is that they've already sent a missile at his back. He feels the impact, the pain it causes and he's happy to go out like this to at least shed a little of the red in his ledger.

The Avengers make it Egypt aboard the helicraft not know the exact statistics of the battle there headed into just that they have civilians trapped. When they get there and step outside they see only a ghost town whatever was there was flattened to the ground. The Avengers follow the path of destruction leading them to a group of the attackers meant to watch for any oncoming help to the countries they attacked. It was sudden when Barton shot his deadly arrows; the guy never had a chance. They rounded them up since Natasha was a spy she handled the interrogation to get the most information out of them. After what seemed like hours they were given the whereabouts of where the army was now. It was time for them to head to Morocco.

As soon as they got there they needed to form a plan. Clint would try and see if there was a building he could scale to scope out the exact point of the leader's troop. Then Cap would go and help civilians and Thor would summon lighting to hit convoys. It was a hastily made plan but it would work it had to. The group didn't seem to be affiliated with any known terrorist groups' but were looking to become a feared force. The weapons they used seemed to be some of Stark's old models since they stopped producing weapons. It was easy to finish them off but not before making sure they knew where their supplies of other weapons and hideouts were. The Avengers rounded up who they could and sent them back in the helicraft bound to await sentencing back in the states.

There was a big clean up that had to be done, counting the casualties and helping the injured. Amass the rubble there was a metal foot once Thor could lift up the caved in wall he saw the man of iron but it had not looked good. There was a protrusion of a missile from his back that went off there was no way he could have survived. Thor shouted for Bruce to help them they didn't need the other guy now. They all were shocked to put it lightly but had to come out of their stupor to aide in the race for his life. They pulled him out of the rubble and had to rip off his mask. Underneath all the metal was an emaciated man a sight to behold he looked so broken and pale from what they remembered him. They didn't know how long he had been like this.

Bruce bent down and checked for a pulse there was hardly one. He stared shouting out things for them to get him stabilized and his heart beating normally. Luckily the group could get him to the nearest hospital quickly as it wasn't far. The doctors there went immediately to work on him while the other waited eagerly for news on his condition. The doctors lost him once his arc reactor shorted for a several minutes until it blinked to life again. It was agonizing watching someone who you could get back into your life that you never thought would happen and then watch them cling to life. Tony looked like he gave up on life before they got there when they took off the mask beyond the look of him being held in death's grasp was one of happiness in death. They were allowed into the room after he was stable and out of critical condition.

"He will be out for a while and aside from malnutrition, a few broken bones and a concussion he will be fine; he is one lucky guy" the doctor told them before he left.

What do we do now was the question on the forefront everyone's mind. How were they supposed to react to this they never thought this day would come?

**Coming Soon:**

"**Mr. Stark are you sure that you don't wish to tell the others, I strongly advise that you do?"**

"**No this is the last thing they need to know." **

**Did you guys like it if so please let me know it fuels my motivation to write this? I'm going away tomorrow well not exactly away but to my stepmother's house for the week I will have my computer to write on and a notebook but I don't know how much I will be able to get on it. I apologize in advance if the update doesn't come soon. Also I've noticed that there has been some problems with alerts I have been getting them days late I don't know if it's just me so I'm sorry if you get this really late I try to write early but I feel more inspired at night rather than earlier although it does change occasionally. Goodnight I hope your weekend goes great you can message me anytime I can always respond on my phone. This was supposed to be posted yesterday but it would not let the document upload.**

**Ciao,**

**Chloe**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer I own no part of the Marvel universe although I have wished for it. Thank you for reading, reviewing (fingers crossed) and enjoying. This is my first fan-fiction so criticism is welcomed just not too harsh. I know it is quite late, ****my humblest apologies are offered. I hope you like this chapter. Thank you to those who continue to read this story. I'****m glad a lot of you enjoyed the last chapter and I hope the same follows with this one****. Please enjoy. Thank you for the sweet reviews it makes this worth writing.**

You swore and said

"We are not

We are not shining stars"

This I know

I never said we are

Though I've never been through hell like that

I've closed enough windows

To know you can never look back

Carry On by Fun.

_Chapter Seven_

_Pictures are worth a thousand words. Look at a masterpiece from far away and it's stunning not a flaw in sight. It shows a perfect moment in life captured within mediums by the artist. Take a closer look now and slowly it unravels. You notice then this isn't a works of no flaws but many, the paint is fading and cracking giving way to aging. The smiles on the faces are forced and cracking under the pressure of keeping up the image. The light atmosphere is filled with tension that could be cut with a knife as this isn't a family gathering at a glance but separated family members placed at different corners of the picture. The skyline isn't one just of sunshine there are storm clouds just on the edge of the horizon. The picture is fading slowly the mood shifts it's not a happy moment but a forced one. Pictures are worth a thousand words but there's only one word to describe pictures, illusions._

"Ah glad to see your awake Mr. Stark, I've sent your friends away as they haven't left your side since you were brought here they needed to rest. There are important matters we need to discuss."

"They are not my friends they are just acquaintances I haven't seen in a long time that I thought never would. They probably won't comeback anyway. What's the damage?"

"Well there are multiple broken ribs from the projectile hitting your back and heavy bruising to your spine but none of that isn't repairable those things will heal in a few weeks."

"If they will heal, what's the big deal I'm used to injuries like these, I've gotten them before nothing happened" Interrupted Tony his patience wearing thin as his nerves of seeing them consuming his every thought.

"As I was saying Mr. Stark those aren't the pressing issues the more serious one is that…"

"Don't sugar coat Doc it I can take it."

"Mr. Stark I'm afraid to inform you that you have liver cancer."

"How…How bad is it?"

"It's fatal sir I'm sorry you don't have much longer seven months at the most, that is if you start treatment to prolong your life span now. With apparent years of alcohol abuse your liver simply couldn't handle it for the long run. I'm sorry but the disease is spreading."

"Is there any treatment for it?" He was at a loss for words for once in his life…cancer was such a foreign word dying was even worse.

"Chemotherapy is strongly advised you should start it as soon as possible for maximum benefit. Are you sure you do not want to tell a family member about this?"

"No it isn't necessary I don't have any."

"Those people who came in with you seem care about you a great deal whether or not you can see it. Don't go through this alone."

"Doctor I've been alone for a long time and this is the last thing they need to know."

"If I may offer you one piece of advice it is that don't keep running from your past it never will truly leave you alone."

"Thanks doctor but it's been working for this long."

The doctor sighed then left and he digested what he had been told. He was going to die there was no way around it. He has cancer and it's consuming him. The Avengers had found him and he is going to die. It wasn't long before they came back he couldn't let them see the fear that was becoming present in his eyes. It's not that he was afraid of death he was always on its door but he never truly thought he could be given an expiration date though. He deserved a painful demise, his life deserved to be ended from all the damage he caused and the lives he himself ended. They would have questions it was almost guaranteed he never wanted them to see him like this like a shell weak he never showed weakness to anyone and he didn't want to start now. He wanted to be alone for the rest of his life to wallow in his depression with his trusted sidekick. He didn't deserve their time and their pitied looks he didn't know why they came to him. It wasn't needed he would have been happier alone and dying amongst the heap slowly suffocating from lack of fresh air. They would probably want to reenter his life again make him come home with him and for once he couldn't refuse he didn't have the strength to run anymore and he knew they wouldn't let him go. If he got back he could try to fight the well-deserved ailment at his lab and maybe he could run again to escape them for good to know he stopped the pain he caused for eternity and spend his last days alone immersed the past. Most importantly he couldn't have them know no that just simply wouldn't happen.

"Tony how are you feeling?" Out of all the questions they had he supposed this was the one the least uncomfortable.

"Never better you don't need to be here it's not necessary, you should go back home and forget you ever saw me and then we can stop these pointless conversations. Thank you for bringing me here but it would have been the best for all of us if you hadn't." He didn't want the pitied looks on their faces or the fake compassion in their sentiments. Nor did he want to answer the questions they had.

"We aren't here because we need to be here we're here because we haven't seen you in eight years Tony you left without saying a thing and you want us gone. We've missed you and I don't know what it will take until we can get it through your dense skull but we will." An angered Steve Rogers replied but there was sympathy in his tone as his voiced wavered trying to keep his cool.

"You knew I had to go I couldn't take it there any longer nobody noticed though and I didn't figure you would. Oh its fine he's always had self-destructive tendencies. He's never grown up should we expect any better. You never bothered to look past it even though I made it painfully obvious. If I didn't leave then I wouldn't have been around for much longer. This was the only way" The words lingered in the air reverberating against the walls. His chest was pounding he was furious didn't they get it was for their own good he didn't want to be found he wanted to be alone now more than ever. He couldn't face them anymore it was all too much. He desperately wished for this to be one of his nightmares no matter how many times he told himself it wasn't. The past had caught up with him much too soon.

"Guys I think we should leave, he's still injured and any stress can produce negative results." Bruce stated calmly although he wanted more than ever to talk to him, it was clear Tony didn't want to talk. Tony was grateful for this.

They left the room and before they went their separate ways to each come up with ways to get Tony to talk to them and make them understand his departure.

"We've just got him back let's not try to lose him again, ease up" Bruce told them before they disappeared. It was hard to look at someone you thought you knew but if took a step back and looked again you don't really know them at all and it hurts to see them so lost and alone. The worst part out of all of it is that you yourself never saw the signs. The picture fades away.

**Coming Soon:**

"_**It's painful to know when you're going to die it eats at you consumes you until you just check the dates on the calendar to count down the weeks, days until you die. Every second becomes one filled with a new regret a what if I hadn't done that, why did I give up, was it worth it in the end. Then you realize it wasn't."**_

**Did you guys like it if so please let me know it fuels my motivation to write this? Sorry it took so long but I am not home and edited a bunch but I'm not totally happy with it. Goodnight I hope your weekend goes great you can message me anytime I can always respond on my phone. I really hope you guys liked and don't hate me for what happened to him it will get happier don't worry. I'm not the best at dialogue and I tried to make it like the characters. Next chapter will be soon in a couple of days or when inspiration strikes.**

**Ciao,**

**Chloe**


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Marvel universes although it is my dream I own the plot of this and where it will go.

Sorry it's late but I think you readers will like it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Please Read and Review and thank you for those who do and those who favorite it and add it to alerts.

I wrote this last night and was hesitating when going to post this and then my mom turned off the internet.

**Beta Needed**

_Chapter Eight:_

_Do you do what is right or what is easy?_

It was all too much his world was crashing in again and he couldn't get up out of the rubble. Delaying seeing them was futile and not worth the effort it would take. They were bound to come in again and seeing him fake sleeping wouldn't deter them from staying or talking to him. He closed his eyes and waited as sleep was too far gone from him. It was about two hours after (or that's what he counted it to be) when heard the soft puttering of shoes on the marbled floor and the hushed tones of quiet communication.

"Do you think he'll wake up soon?" That voice was definitely Steve's.

"He's not sleeping, that's clear as his eyes are moving underneath the lids and his fists are clenching the blanket." Well he was like a hawk after all he had to be observant to do his job.

"Tony, I know that you can hear me can you please open your eyes at least?"

No response.

"I don't know why you're shutting us out we need to talk."

There was enough pleading in his voice that it was almost leaking with genuine desperation.

"Well if you won't talk you us or look at us in the eye just please listen."

There was a brief pause that had an underlying hope the he would respond but nothing happened.

"Let me start off by saying that we've missed you deeply, understand that. The house that you left, your house became hollow with you gone. When something embarrassing happened there was not sarcastic jab to accompany making it funnier just deafening silence. We fell apart, we never noticed that you were the glue strongly holding us together as a team and we took advantage of taking it for granted; getting mad at you but never expecting our words to ever get through your confident layer you always had out. We expected you to always be there. Of course we were mad at first and surprised that you never came back. There was a denial that you wouldn't truly leave everything you loved behind but you did you are a man of high unpredictability." He said thinking back to the time when Tony went up with the nuke without hesitation. Crossing his arms he resumed there was no time to get lost in his memories.

"At first it was like you never existed we could not find one trace of a megabyte that had an imprint of you. I know it sounds strange that it occurred to us you could be kidnapped but that thought was extinguished quickly. We should have known that if you never wanted to be found and disappear you wouldn't be. We never gave up on finding you and searched everywhere and thought JARVIS could help us but again you put up a roadblock by reprogramming him to never try and locate you and put a lock on the action being overridden one that even Bruce could disable or scratch the surface of. We felt like you abandoned us leaving the team behind. There were missions when an eye in the sky would have been useful. That didn't matter though we just missed you. Without you there every one lost something. Bruce a science buddy to work on new experiments with, Clint a sparring partner and someone to watch movies and explain every detail, Thor a drinking friend who could hold liquor, Natasha someone to chastise and test weapons with, Pepper lost the love of her life and myself the best guide to the present and the last link to my past. Now I know you and you probably will shrug it off as being replaceable but you can never replace a life, I know. Who could replace the great Tony Stark? God Tony it was like you died and that was it, there was no coming back it was over. Do you know why we didn't leave spread apart and just stayed in the tower with all that sadness was because of the fools hope you would come back to us with the idiotic response of there was a lot or I had to go to another supermarket for milk and got lost. But you never did, every door bell or knock never opened the door to you. Of course we never went into your lab, it was too painful to see the dust gathered over the once frequently used machines or seeing the suits lose their luster fall to ruins just like everything else. A couple months ago we decided it was time to move on the yeas of silence gave no sign of your return and finally decided to clean to tower out of sadness. Bruce was the one who went into your lab and looked for a trace of you in there or where you'd gone and stumbled upon your letters just laying neatly on your desk covered in dust. The opened our eyes to the signs we should have seen. We overlooked you deterioration and assumed it as normal and for that we're sorry. We understand why you left we get it now you needed to go. You should have talked to us, to get us to understand. You didn't and don't deserve to suffer alone, you aren't heartless as you claim to be."

"Dammit Tony look at me don't you understand how we feel, we haven't seen you in eight years and when we finally do you're lying in a hospital bed injured and broken refusing to talk to us, maybe we should have left you there so you could be alone." He didn't mean it of course but he was so blind with emotion that he couldn't control what he was saying.

"We're trying to fix this but it won't work if you don't put in the effort." His voice coming down to a whisper acknowledging what he said. "We don't want to lose you…not again." The voice held so much sadness and cracked on the last word.

Then there was a silence that enveloped the room as they waited for a response, for any sign that he heard what was said. Tony knew all they wanted was a machine to help them not he himself. He couldn't blame them either who would want him his own father didn't. He had so much blood on his hands and guilt had ravaged his soul. He knew there wasn't much time left and he thought that maybe if he broke his promise and went back to New York to the place he once called home, that he could clear a spot of red on his ledger once and for all. The others could know nothing of the death rapidly approaching in the form of cancer or what he was planning to do. He would have to be alone, he couldn't stand them asking questions or talking to him. He didn't need help there was nothing a little drink couldn't fix even if it couldn't fix the cancer. He would be admittedly glad to have JARVIS back but there would be a lot of work in upgrading his security to lock out all of the others who would attempt to enter the lab. He would come back but not for them only for himself that he was sure of. He built up these was that engrained his mind with thoughts of being self-centered and egotistical. Steve was still right even all these years later he wasn't the one to lay his life down on the line for others but he'd lay it down for himself. He would do it to make himself feel better to; he did it for the glory. Without his suit he was nothing a man broken so many times that he knew the face he portrayed to the outside world better than he knew himself. It was the Tony Stark the world saw the genius, playboy, billionaire, and philanthropist. The man who only gave a damn himself, the man who could have anything he wanted on a silver platter because of what his last name was and the size of his bank account. What they didn't know was that there was a burden that came with it. They never saw the disappointment in his father's eyes or the neglect he received he from not being good enough. They thought he liked to have a good time not knowing each drink he downed was drunk in the hope to ease the pain that always followed him. How would they know, how could they know? He hid it well behind the artfully crafted mask.

It was time to speak; ignorance was only bliss for so long. He roused himself from his musing only to hear the door shutting loudly behind Natasha breaking the uneasy silence. It was now or never.

They were half way down the hall when they heard it.

_**The voice that was rough from disuse and years of abuse.**_

_**The voice that they hadn't heard speak a sentence fully to them in eight years. **_

_**The voice they missed and yearned to hear.**_

"_I'll—I'll come back with you."_

The adrenaline wore off, his shoulders slumped and he couldn't hold himself up anymore. It was then when he collapsed falling into a darkness that blindsided him just like his future was doing to him.

For the first time in the Avenger's life in a long time that all would be well.

**Sorry it's late, but I've been actually writing this all day bringing my notebook with me and letting this chapter play out. I hope you like and the story is starting to pick up now. Please review to let me know that you guys like it and want to see more since the feedback has been a bit dry lately, tell me what you think. Is anyone else shocked that this is the last Iron Man since his contract is gone and he said he will not be in the next avengers. He was hinting by saying there was nowhere to go with it after the film. I am writing a fan letter to RDJ if anyone wants to be included in it review or pm me. I hope you enjoyed it you can always message me with ideas or if you want to talk. **

**Ciao and Good Evening,**

**Chloe**

**Next Update within a couple of days.**


	9. Chapter 10

Finally a real update but it's a filler so action can take place. Tony may seem ooc and the way he thinks of things but his mind has been altered with a delusional sense reality from depressin.

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot everything else belongs to marvel.**

* * *

_Chapter Nine_

_It's hard going home after leaving, being ushered and welcomed by the past you tried to leave and succumb to patterns you once called normal. But deep down you know it's just a place that has no greater importance than the fear you let it have. _

This was a bad choice of his and escape routes were formulating in his mind. The plane ride back was filled with nothing but anxiety for the occupants. He knew they had wanted answers but remained focused on the fading worn out leather back of the pilot's chair and the illuminated aisles. What could he say, he didn't deserve to be there he deserved to be rotting under the rubble of his fallen apart life. Did he tell them a lie to put them at ease and get the looks ceased? He couldn't find it within himself to lie anymore but there was no need to tell the truth do faded out his eyes focusing but acquiring a glassy hue.

"Plane 007 Preparing for Landing," the intercom startling him from his daze. A quick landing much to his dismay. Swiftly and unsteadily he exited the plane and into the car he went wanting to avoid any mindless comments the others could draw up.

"Good to have you back sir," Happy greeted Tony nodded in thanks unsure of what to say.

Bruce sat down next to him uncertainty written on his face betraying his attempt to appear calm. The others ushered in Rogers and Miss Potts sat in the adjacent row while Barton, Romanov and Odinson took the next car.

"I'm glad you came back with us, we've missed you a great deal." Rogers said to break the deafening silence that filled the car.

"It wasn't like I had many options," he replied with a bit in his tone necessary in order to keep them from getting close.

That was it from anyone in regards to conversation, Bruce pushed up the glasses that never slipped from his nose a nervous tick. Miss Potts fiddled with her phone in attempt to look busy and Rogers much like himself stared out the window. The clouds had darkened giving way to the evening sky alight with stars. The city hadn't changed in the years he had been away his, the companies tower still lit up the skyline like the fourth of July. The car pulled into the underground parking garage of the tower stopping by the front door for them to get out. It took ten minutes for them to all get there. The door knob gleamed like shining bullet ready to destroy those who feared it, himself. With a swipe of a key card it was unlocked and he was suddenly thrust into the threshold of the past, it took every ounce of strength he had not run away from the tower. The furniture had not changed from where it resided minus the addition of the furniture that was new. It wasn't long for the others to surround him their wary gazes trying to calculate his next move. Everything was just too much for him to make sense of anything he hoped in his mad dash that the lab remained where he had thought he left it. Luckily he was right.

Leaving them dumbfounded he found the solace he was looking for. The lab had a layer of dust on just about everything but nothing had really changed minus the letters he had left were no longer occupying the spot next to the computer a square silhouette in its place. Shakily he called out for Jarvis forgetting that it was him who made him go offline. If he wanted to find a suitable treatment or at least something to delay the spread of his illness he had reemploy Jarvis.

Searching for the modem that controlled the computer system proved to harder than he though originally as the years of alcohol left a film over the memories he had of the lab. In an hour he had all of the systems up to their original standard, thankful that he was given the space he needed.

"Jarvis?"

"Sir it's good to have you back." replied the welcoming AI.

"I'm glad to be back, run a health scan assessing the whole body including images of the abdomen and scan for abnormalities. "

"Beginning now...scan completed. There is a mass in your liver that is positive for cancer, I'm sorry sir."

"No need what is the projected rate for the spreading?"

"Currently it spreading to your pancreas at a mild pace but still deadly."

"Get the results from the hospital in Egypt and upload them on the screen."

"Yes sir.""Good make sure this is only between us put up any firewall you can to make it impossible for anyone to get in."

It was sinking in now Jarvis had put the truth in gentler terms but there was no denying that the cancer was spread at pace that could envelop him within a couple months if that long. As selfish as he was he did not want to suffer the pain he deserved from it and watch the team find out pt although he knew they wouldn't care. He would find an out before the cancer could. The only way of putting off the disease was through painful treatments that needed another person to help with, it was back to the drawing board for him now relying on the green shakes from before.

Eventually he would have to come out or they would come to him with unwarranted attention.

* * *

**Next Time: **

**"Any idea when he'll come up?" asked Pepper**

**"Who knows if he's even still here." Clint replied bluntly **

**He was right the inner doubt feeding him regrets about returning rearose. Standing in the doorway he watched the tsunami of depression return.**

This is a filler as the drama/action needs something to snowball from. I apologize for the lack of updates it won't happen again. Please Read and Review (if you have any questions comments or concerns message me)

P.S. This is the last unbetaed chapter, it could've/should've been but I wanted to post what I could.I'm not proud of this it could be better guilt was eating at me from not posting. Surreality will be updated tomorrow night.

This was written on a tablet and didn't convert correctly, therefore I had to try and fix it.


	10. Chapter 11

Happy New Year, Happy Update, and Happy I'm still alive. Thank you for still reading I haven't given up I just had severe writers block. My dear friend Leanna has helped with this chapter and I owe her many thanks. I apologize for the lateness but I couldn't hold it there'd be too much guilt and anxiety. Please Read and Review and most importantly enjoy this chapter.

Disclaimer: I own nothing, if I did I you'd be reading this in print.

**Chapter 10:**

"_Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world goes on."- Wild Geese by Mary Oliver_

It had been a week since Tony had left the comfortable safety of his lab. Unfortunately for him it was not by his own choice but by the demand of Fury for a meeting about his whereabouts for the past years. By the time he reached the top of steps he was out of breath but when questioned if he was alright chalked it up to being out of shape. The scrutiny made him retreat into himself a bit making him act like before Afghanistan. The team was assembled in the kitchen ready to hop into the car. The silent ride was uncomfortable no one willing to start the small chat. Suddenly the car slowed down a procession of black cars going in front of it, a funeral. Eeriness settled over Tony, he felt like he was watching a glimpse of his future before him. Murmuring was going around him discussing who it was but he was lost in thought.

"Can you believe the ambassador to China died, he was so young for a stroke to happen," commented Bruce a note of sympathy in his voice.

"Stress has taken a toll on people in this age it's not like how it was when I was young, people enjoyed what they did even if it was hard," Steve answered, Natasha and Clint were discussing something in Russian it seemed not bothering to pay attention to their trivial matters.

"Hey Tony didn't you know the guy?"

"Tony?"

"What hum no, not that I remember it was a long time since I went to meetings on foreign affairs." He replied trying to shake off his thoughts.

"You know if you're not ready to do this we understand?" Bruce was always the best of all of them to read people.

"Why wouldn't I be I left then came back I don't do anything I don't want to."

He admitted silently that he didn't have to be so callous to them but he didn't want their concern either. He decided that next time he had to if there was one he would not ride with them it was far too uncomfortable. Guilt was pooling around him and he was without a life boat. 'Calm, cool, collective,' he chanted don't make a fool of yourself. A mistake this was why did he even have to see Fury he was not apart of this initiative anymore.

He slipped his sunglasses on as they approached the building. Jarvis had given him an update on everything that had gone on he didn't not want to be unaware. Fury had been dabbling in weapon creation from what he had seen and if this was what the jest of what this meeting was about it would be over quick.

"How is my favorite Cyclops doing today, long time no see."

"Stark as much as I'd love to stay and chat this isn't a personal call. We need to talk. Why did you leave?"

"Straight to the point then, you know I never stay in a place too long I get bored and have needs like any other person."

"Cut the B.S. because that's not what I heard from the team from their accounts you were in a deplorable state."

"Well do I look like that now, never mind that shouldn't we discuss how you look. The years have not been kind have they? You have gained at least a couple pounds stress maybe, or is it that you need weapons and can't make them if your life depended on it. You don't want answers you just want one thing and the answer is no."

"You are being unreasonable Stark and if you don't agree you will be out of the team."

"Oh, so you're threatening me know how kind. Who say's I want to be a part of this anyway, wasn't I deemed as not playing well if others?"

"T-"

"Save it I gave you what you wanted an answer even if it is not what you wanted frankly I don't care. I got out the person who was the merchant of death. Iron man and Tony Stark only exist because the weapon manufacturing ended. Have a nice life and if I even get word that you have tried to so much as scratch at my firewall S.H.E.I.L.D. will mysteriously disappear."

He was done he had bid his time. 'Jarvis call happy tell him we are leaving.'

"Right away sir he is at the door."

"Thanks Jarvis."

He pushed past the team who stood shocked and mouths agape. Happy was waiting just like he was told.

"Take me home as quick as you can."

"Certainly."

Tony had arrived home way before the others could ever catch up to him. His head was pounding and slowly his legs were becoming too weak to hold himself upright. He made it to the lab and too the makeshift bed that was in it.

"Jarvis I need time to be alone with you of course but not being a hoverer. No one comes in here I don't care who it is or if their life depended on it I don't care. They can not see me in this state it will ruin everything. If any one of them try to break in put in Vatican Cameos the toughest security operation you know."

"But sir isn't this a bit extreme?"

"Jarvis please." The pleading in his voice was drenching every syllable.

"Very well sir but if your condition worsens more we will have to turn to chemotherapy. You will not survive without for even six months."

"Yes mother, start researching the most effective way of treatment," even if it won't work he thought to himself.

The blackness of oblivion was overtaking his mind, pain settling into its normal routine. Maybe he was a bit too much like his old self he wondered.

Footsteps pattered the foyer of the tower, none of them talking about what they had just witnessed. Each of them had been deep in thought. Did he mean what he had said was this the end or the start of a more uncertain future.

"Jarvis where is Tony?" There was a worry in the normally authoritative voice.

"He has asked for total privacy and it would be best if you obliged."

Next Time:

"_**He was a brilliant man, a genius and a man we could count on he will be greatly missed."**_

_**Everyone was dressed in black with a somber look on their faces. It was raining how fitting to the tragedy, they had lost a once invincible man.**_

"**Clint you have watched this movie a thousand times, Batman doesn't die he leaves now stop balling like a girl." Natasha sighed every time they watched this movie he couldn't control his emotions.**

"**I'm not crying I just have an eyelash stuck in my eye." Clint said trying to regain any part of masculinity he had left.**

"**Sure, sure."**

Author's Note: I hoped you had liked it enough to click the button just below this phrase. No not that one the fonts alright click review ah yes perfect. If you ever have any questions do let me know or if you have any ideas. Thank you again for reviewing and reading, I greatly appreciate it. Happy New Year and hope your holidays are going swell.


	11. Chapter 12

At last and early update! Thank you Agnomen Loki for your kind review and thank you to the new followers I greatly appreciate it. This isn't a heavy chapter.

_Italics=Nightmare_

Please Read and Review

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

**Chapter Twelve**

"_Dear Brutus the fault is not in our stars, but in ourselves."_

Weeks had passed and nothing had changed in regards to the separation. Tony had kept to themes was too far for even the mighty to cross.

There had been silence breathtakingly so. His assumptions all the while heartbreaking and deserving proved true. He wasn't wanted back and neither Jarvis nor the truth could tell him different. He had thought for a moment before the meeting that he was wrong when he left that his sight was blinded by the past's thick veil. He regretted these thoughts for so long he had only known the emptiness and solace of being alone. He was aware of all the conversations that went on around the house whenever he was discussed. Jarvis had alerted him when he was pried for answers. A simple 'mister Stark is currently sleeping or eating' whatever would get them off his back. Luckily he had an equipped lab for this scenario.

"Jarvis, what is the spreading rate to the other organs and its projected progression?"

"It will slowly envelop the small intestine within the end of the month if you do not regularly keep up with your treatments. At this rate there are only four months until it will envelope the whole body."

"We have discussed this I can make my own decisions."

"Sir, the others are getting rather restless without any visits up stairs. If you wish to silence them you must make an appearance."

"Fine then set up one round of treatment while I am gone."

"Right away."

As much as he'd hate to admit it he needed Jarvis and this therapy. He didn't want to live but yet he couldn't stand this pain. The therapy had taken a toll on his appearance, gone were his brown locks and tan skin. His hair was loosing volume and he took to shaving it before going up and covered as much skin as he could to lessen the appearance of skin and bones. After twenty minutes of taking in his new appearance he decided to face his fear. A slow strenuous journey up the metal stairs proved to be harder than before. Drawing a shaky breath he opened the door to the kitchen. Conversation stopped all eyes on him.

"Hey Tony, I like the new look," Steve always one for small talk.

"Thanks." He guessed it was dinner as they were gathered over the table serving themselves Chinese food. A false smile flitted over his exhausted face.

"Here sit we always ordered your favorite, just incase you're hungry." Bruce remarked observing his every move.

"I can't I've got to finish this project before it gets too late. Thank you anyway." Dumb excuse he thought, they would know he was lying he never went to bed early.

"Alright well if you change your mind it'll be in the fridge."

He turned slowly a large part of him wanting to flee down the stairs as quickly as he could. Knowing it would not be wise he took a leisurely pace but quick enough not to hear their mindless chatter.

Something was definitely wrong; there was no longer any chance of denial.

"What changed?" It was a question present on each one of their minds. What had caused this new person? In all honesty they knew the answer was something far greater then they knew.

"We need to fix this; it can't go on for much long. Something is wrong with him don't deny it. Before it's too late," Thor was the voice of reason for once and he wasn't wrong.

"Sir the treatment is ready for admittance."

"Great," the sarcasm dripping in his response, unintentional but ever present in his voice.

Tony set himself up on the couch/bed hooking his arm to the I.V. one for easing the pain, one for ending it. His body burned with the medicine entering his veins while his vibrant thoughts went on idle. He settled into a blissful unawareness before his dreams took over.

The plates were cleared from the table and they were settling in for a movie. Tonight it was Batman: The Dark Night Rises.

"Shouldn't we ask Tony to join us we did see him?"

"Good idea Steve, Jarvis is Tony done with his project?"

"He has asked to be undisturbed at the moment, Agent Barton."

"Shocking," Natasha responded.

"Quit it Nat if it wasn't for him we'd be out on the street."

Maybe next time then, they had to keep a more watchful eye on their lost team mate.

_He was seventeen in this night__mare but the look of his height but he remembered it all too well. _

"_Dad you're coming to graduation right, its tomorrow?"_

"_No can't you see that I'm busy I don't have time to for such trivial matters." Howard never had time for anything as trivial as his son._

"_How many years are you going to try to find the dead body of a lost hero? He's dead and when you do find the pile of bones I hope it was worth it." The glass of the shattered whiskey bottle narrowly missed his head. He wouldn't show fear to his father, not anymore._

"_Leave and don't ever comeback, you are nothing to me anymore." His father shouted at him as walked away from the R and D department of Stark Industries._

"_Goodbye Howard."_

_Unsurprisingly as he looked out into the sea of proud parents and relatives he didn't see his own. There had been a glimmer of hope in his heart that his parents would show up at the very least his mother. The disappointment of reality nearly caused him to stumble down the stairs after accepting his diploma. _

_Jarvis stood there waiting after it was all over the only man he would listen to. This was the day he grew up. _

"_Congratulations Sir."_

"_Thank you Jarvis."_

_Stepping into the car he wasn't sure where he was going, he no longer had a home._

His dreams always lead to here to this very moment his life changed. It was funny when he looked at it, he was never good enough. History would always repeat and when the time came he would disappoint those he had loved.

Author's Note:

Do you want a battle now or in a chapter?

Do you like it?

Could you possibly let me know?

Should I continue?

Do you have a tumblr?

Do you have any comments, concerns?

for more

for oh god make it stop

;) It's alright

Happy New Year's Eves Eve!

Ciao,

Chloe


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